Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Magic Bandana Skit

magician costume, bandanna, table

magician, Herkimer

The magician introduces his act and sends his assistant to a table behind him and (facing the audience) says, "Herkimer (his assistant), do exactly as I say . . ." (Magician can’t see him)

MAGICIAN: "Pick up the bandanna . . ." (Herkimer picks up a bandanna and also a banana that is lying on the table, looks at them, scratches his head, and puts the bandanna down, keeps the banana.)

MAGICIAN: "Now, Herkimer, hold the bandanna in your right hand . . ." (Herkimer does.)

MAGICIAN: "Fold the bandanna in half . . ." Herkimer folds the banana in half.

MAGICIAN: "Fold the four corners of the bandanna together . . ." (Herkimer peels the banana and drops the peel to the floor.)

MAGICIAN: "Now stuff the bandanna into your left fist, and don’t let any of it show . . ." (Herkimer then crams the banana into his left fist, causing the banana to ooze out between his fingers.)

MAGICIAN: "Now, Herkimer, on the count of three, the bandanna will disappear. One! Two! Three! Now show us your fist . . ." (Herkimer opens his fist and throws mashed banana at the magician, and the magician chases him off the stage.)

Whistler Precision Drill Team Skit

Mitch Miller album, shirts, ties, jackets, pants, gloves, paper, cardboard, cloth, paint

Any number of guys

From the Mitch Miller album get the cut of his choir whistling theme song to "Bridge Over the River Kwai" or "Colonel Bogey March." Stuff the arms of the jacket with paper and attach the gloves to the end of the arms. For each guy a hat must be prepared. These are made out of cloth and heavy cardboard. The brim must be about three feet in diameter. The hole in the center must be large enough for it to slip over a guy’s shoulders. The bowl of the hat is made of some cheap cloth but must be large enough so that a guy can hold his arms over his head and yet have the brim of the hat come to just below his shoulders. Paint a face on the naked chest and stomach of each guy with the belly button as the mouth. Arrange the shirt, tie and jacket around the hips and fasten with pins.

The over-all effect is of some very short guys with very big heads. They then march around the stage like a precision drill team to one of the above tunes, acting as if they are doing the whistling by sucking in their stomachs in and out.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fake Statue In The Park Skit

bench, lunch, bucket, mop, feather duster

statue, 2 lunch guys/girls, couple, gardener

One person poses as a statue with a park bench or seat in front of him. Two people come along to eat lunch — the statue takes some of their lunch whenever it is left on the seat. The eaters look more and more suspiciously at each other until they finally leave in disgust.

A couple then approaches and sits down at one end of the seat. They are in the early stages of courtship and sit rather shyly next to each other, with no physical contact. After a while, the statue puts an arm around the girl, who reacts sharply, slapping the face of the boy and leaving in disgust.

Then comes one of the gardeners with a bucket, mop and feather duster. He first of all cleans the seat, then looks up at the statue. He dusts the statue with the feather duster, while the person posing tries not to move, sneeze, laugh. He is about to put the mop into the bucket when there is a voice calling him offstage. He looks at his watch, yells out "I’m coming," picks up the bucket and throws the contents over the statue.

Mashed Potato Skit

table, chair, pot, mashed potatoes

customer, waitress, cook, audience plant, announcer

A man comes into a restaurant and sits down. Waitress comes in and asks for order.

MAN: I’ll have a big pot of mashed potatoes.
WAITRESS: Is that all?
MAN: Yup.
WAITRESS: No beverage?
MAN: Nope. Just a big pot of mashed potatoes.
WAITRESS: No salad, or soup, or desert or anything?
MAN: Listen! All I want is a big pot of mashed potatoes.
WAITRESS: Well, O.K. I’ll tell the cook.

Waitress goes back into a wing off stage and in a voice which everyone can hear, tells the cook that there’s a weirdo out there that wants a big pot of mashed potatoes.

COOK: Is that all?
WAITRESS: Yup. That’s all he wants.
COOK: No salad?
COOK: No beverage or anything?
WAITRESS: Nope, just a big pot of mashed potatoes.

Argument goes on for a while. Finally the cook condescends and gives the waitress a huge pot of mashed potatoes (get the biggest pot you can find). Waitress brings the pot of potatoes out to the customer. He looks around suspiciously, lowers pot to the floor and sticks his head as far into the potatoes as he can — up to his neck. Then he proceeds to jam them into his mouth, ears, pockets, down his shirt, etc. Finally, waitress, standing there the whole time asks the man what the heck he’s doing with all those mashed potatoes. Man slowly looks up at the waitress with question mark on his face.

MAN: Mashed potatoes? I thought this was spinach!

Man stands up, turns and walks out. At this point everyone is confused, including the waitress. Suddenly she turns . . .

WAITRESS: Spinach — oh, I get it.

Waitress dives into the pot of mashed potatoes head-first, mashing them all over the place, in her hair, mouth, etc. Then she gets up and leaves. Finally the cook who has been watching the whole thing from a distance yells...

COOK: Spinach spelled backwards, I get it. Is that ever funny.

Goes through same procedures as man, and waitress. Now everyone is thoroughly confused. At this point, someone comes through with a sign saying, "What is spinach spelled backwards?" A plant in the audience then jumps up yelling that he gets it too, and dives into the pot, mashing it all over himself.

You can end the skit here by having the announcer come out and suggest to the crowd that if they think about it for a while, they’ll get it too. If this is to be the last skit of the night, the announcer might even come out and apologize for trying to put over such a crummy skit on the crowd. Then he pauses, and reflectively says "Spinach spelled backwards. . . Oh, I get it, and he dives into the pot too.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sumo Wrestlers Skit

2 diapers, microphone

Yamahaha, Korimoto-ho, announcer

For this skit you’ll need two guys, preferably of a muscular or flabby physique, dressed in diapers (use a white sheet for the uniforms). You will also need an announcer with a good voice and something he or she can use as a microphone, such as a vacuum hose.

Have the 2 wrestlers come stomping into the room, circling each other and snorting at each other with deep voices. The announcer introduces the first man a Yamahaha, who then steps forward, bows with folded hands and slowly laughs with a deep voice and a Japanese accent, "ha ha ha ha ha." He then throws rice over each shoulder. This procedure is repeated when the announcer introduces Korimoto-ho, who then responds with a "ho ho ho".

After their introduction, the two wrestlers begin fighting. They never touch each other or speak, except the occasional "ha ha’s" and "ho ho’s". The fight is conducted by each fighter doing to himself what he really wants to do to his opponent. The opponent responds — at the same time — by reacting to the hold or punch as if it really happened to him.

While this is going on, the announcer calls the play-by-play, describing finger bends, nostril lifts, toe stomps, navel jabs, and armpit hair pulls. With some good actors this event can be hilarious.

The Big Date Skit

table, chairs, comb

Bill, Karen, waiter

Bill and Karen have just met each other after being introduced by common friends. This is the first date for both. They have just arrived at a local restaurant for a meal.

BILL: (embarrassed) Hi Karen.
KAREN: (equally embarrassed) Hi Bill.
BILL: (still embarrassed) Hi Karen.
KAREN: (still embarrassed) Hi Bill.
BILL: Gosh, this is so…(he leaves sentence floating)
KAREN: Yes, it is so…(she also leaves the sentence floating)
BILL: Karen, ah, have you had many dates before?
KAREN: The only date I’ve ever had was on August 13th.
BILL: Oh really, what was that?
KAREN: My birthday. (Karen then drops her comb on the floor,)
BILL: Oh here! I’ll get it (As he stoops over, he falls down on the floor.) I guess I fell for that one, but at least I had nice trip. (As Bill stands up, he forgets to pick up the comb.)
KAREN: Oh Bill, you’re so funny! (She is suddenly serious.) But would you mind picking up my comb?
BILL: (embarrassed) Oh yeah, I guess I forgot. (As Bill squats down, sound effects are heard of his pants ripping. As he reaches behind him to check out that part ripped, he falls backwards from his squatting position over to his back. At that moment a waiter comes to take the order and not seeing Bill, he trips over him and falls to the floor.)
KAREN: Oh my goodness!
WAITER: (regaining composure)What in the world were you doing on the floor sir? Aren’t our seats comfortable enough?
BILL: Oh no. The seats are just fine. I was just checking to see if the floor was on the level.
WAITER: (unbelieving) I don’t know about the floor, but are you on the level? (The waiter then notices the rip, and seeing the chance for a pun replies…) By the way sir, something has happened to your pants.
BILL: Yes, I know. Isn’t that a rip-off? (Both men stand.)
WAITER: Well would you like me to do anything?
BILL: Yeah, how about turning your head when I leave?
WAITER: (unbelieving) Sure thing… hey. I’ll be back in a minute to take your order. (As the waiter leaves, Bill sits back down at the table.)
KAREN: Bill, I really appreciate your efforts, but my comb is still on the floor.
BILL: I’m sorry, Karen, but that waiter crushed my ear when he fell on me. What did you say?
KAREN: I said my comb is still on the floor.
BILL: (sheepishly) Your phone is in the store?
BILL: (sheepishly) Oh! I’m sorry. (He bends down and gets the comb.) Well, we may as well order, there’s no use in waiting around.
KAREN: I don’t mind waiting. Sometimes I even like to wait around.
BILL: What?
KAREN: I said, it gives me a lift sometimes to wait.
BILL: Yea, I like weightlifting too.
KAREN: Oh good-grief. Not to change the subject, but what did you do today?
BILL: I got things all straightened out.
KAREN: What do you mean?
BILL: I mean I did all my ironing. Aren’t you impressed?
KAREN: Not really, I did my laundry today.
BILL: I thought I smelled bleach! But I thought it was just your hair.
KAREN: (offended) well, I never…
BILL: Well you ought to, I can’t stand the color of your hair.
KAREN: Bill! You’ve hurt my feelings!
BILL: (Bashfully) Oh, I’m sorry. Speaking of laundry, so you know the money changing the machines they have in there?
KAREN: Well, not personally, but go ahead.
BILL: Well, I wanted to prove how stupid those machines are, so I put a 5 dollar bill in one and it still gave me change for a dollar. Just to make sure it was no fluke, I put a 10 dollar bill in the next time and it still gave me change for a dollar. I’ll bet you never realized how stupid those machines are, have you?
KAREN: That doesn’t make sense.
BILL: What do you mean?
KAREN: I mean you lost 13 dollars and you are saying the machines are stupid.
BILL: Well, I only did it for the change.
KAREN: That’s what all the moneychangers are for, a change.
BILL: That makes sense.
WAITER: I don’t mean to interrupt, but are you ready to order?
BILL: Huh?
WAITER: Your order?
BILL: What?
BILL: What are you, a judge?
WAITER: I don’t know about that, but whenever I got to play tennis I wind up in court.
BILL: You ought to get out of that racket.
WAITER: (looks up and states pleadingly) Why me? Have you decided what you would like to eat?
BILL: Yes, I’ll take the New York Sirloin steak, baked potatoes, corn, tossed salad with French dressing and a large Coke. That’s all.
KAREN: What about me Bill?
BILL: (surprised) Aren’t you going to buy your own?
KAREN: Of course not. It’s not proper.
BILL: OK, OK. Waiter, she’ll have a small Coke.
WAITER: You’re not going too far overboard are you?
BILL: Don’t be silly. We’re nowhere near water, much less on a ship.
KAREN: You may be right there, but you’re still all wet. (Karen then throws her glass of water all over Bill and they exit.)

The Lie Detector Skit

vase, table, coin with a string tied to it (a coin with a hole in it works best), curtain

boy, girl

This play should be re-worked so the dialogue fits the school situation, but the basic idea will remain the same. The string should be invisible to the audience, probably a heavier thread, and a man with the other end of the string. A large vase that can be broken is on a table. The boy sits holding the coin which has a thread long enough so it can be passed from the boy to the girl, and put in the vase.

Boy: I don’t see anything unusual about this coin, yet my friend who gave it to me insisted that it has magic powers. He said that when it is placed in a vase it serves as a lie detector, and that the bigger the lie the more agitated the coin becomes, and if an unusually big lie was told, it might even explode and break the jar. Well, I’m going to drop it in this old vase, and see what happens.
Girl: (entering) Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn’t know that there was a boy in here. (The coin begins to jump up and down in the jar as the man behind the curtain pulls the thread).
Boy: Oh, that’s right. I’ve just returned from Arabia and know only a few people here. I’m glad to have the opportunity to meeting you. Are you going with anyone?
Girl: Oh, mercy no. (The coin jumps up and down). Being a student I have always been so busy with my studies and travels that I have never had time to think about boys. (The coin starts jumping up and down vigorously).
Boy: I’ve always been the same way about girls. (The coin jumps)
Girl: Haven’t you ever been in love?
Boy: No, not until this minute (coin jumps). I suspect that you have had many boyfriends you never even knew about…secret admirers.
Girl: No, I’m sure not. I’ve always been too shy.
Boy: You have been lying to me.
Girl: What do you mean?
Boy: In that vase on the table I have place a magic coin that a friend gave me. He picked it up in Mesopotamia and gave it to me when we were on the same boat coming back form the East. He told me that it would become agitated and jump up and down when anyone told a lie. I didn’t believe it, but I placed it in the vase just before you came in, and each time you told a lie it has jumped up and down in the vase. (The boy takes coin form the vase, shows it to her, and puts it back in).
Girl: I don’t believe that this is a magic coin. I would not lie to a tall, dark, handsome boy like you. (The coin becomes very agitated, and girl looks surprised).
Boy: This coin is truly a lie detector. You should be very ashamed of yourself telling lies about not going with anyone and never being in love. Why, I have never told a lie in my life!
At this point the boy behind the curtain upsets the table so that the vase is smashed!

Restaurant Skit

tables, chairs, coat rack, coat, hat, apron, hot dog, bowl, spoon, shorts

waiter, 3 guys

Two boys come into a third class restaurant; only one other customer is in there. One of the guys tells the other customer he should hang his coat and hat on the back of his chair instead of the coat rack because the restaurant has a bad reputation for stealing things. An Italian waiter with an accent comes in wearing a filthy apron. They begin to order. He has no menu but says that they have soup and hot dog.

1st Man: I’ll take the soup.
2nd Man: I’ll have the same
Waiter: Wait just a minute. If he takes the soup you have to take the hot dog.
2nd Man: All right, put some mustard on it please. (Waiter exits)
3rd Man: (who came in alone) Did you say they steal your coats?
1st Man: They’d steal the shirt off your back if they thought they could get it.
3rd Man: Well I’m going to keep and eye on mine. (Watches his coat on coat rack). I wish they’d take my order. I’ve been sitting here since before you came in.

The waiter enters, singing bits of Italian opera, carrying the soup in an ugly camping type kettle. He drops the spoon on the floor, wipes it off on his apron and hands it to the 1st man. He exits and returns with a bare hot dog in his hand and gives it to the 2nd man.
2nd Man: Waiter, I asked for mustard on my hot dog. This one’s plain.
Waiter: That’s a-right-a (looks over apron). Here’s some. (He wipes mustard from apron onto hot dog.)
1st Man: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Quiet, or everybody will want one. (He takes the fly and squeezes it in the soup, while telling the fly, "Now you spit every bit of that out")
3rd Man: (disgusted, gets up to leave). "I’m getting out of here" (walks out in shorts-his pants have been stolen).